Loving Oneness Now


[Page E05]

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NOTES:  All our inner ego-children have to be openly owned and allowed (encouraged) to grow up to a high adult level of maturity—which they will do when freely acknowledged and accepted. I use the word "adult" very loosely because I have met 15-year-olds who are very mature in terms of their emotional levels of growth. 

Other common synonyms for "ego-children" are: inner child, inner children, sub-personalities, and subconscious feelings.

Examples of very mature levels (refined feelings) are printed in bold and in square brackets at the end of each ego-child line in the lists below. A common question people ask is: "What is the difference between emotions and feelings?" Well, feelings are the more refined forms that emotions can mature into from birth to adulthood, if those emotions are not repressed during childhood by anger, fear and punishment, but are allowed to mature into refined feelings through positive training, loving participation and the encouragement of spiritual insights. (See Page GO2 for definitions of emotions and feelings;  E2 and E3 for more on this process.)

Sometimes these growth processes occur fairly quickly, but most often the change is more gradual but it is noticeable. 

The controlling inner Parental Authority System (PAS) figures will fade away  when (a) the ego-children they "control" grow up into mature adult states, and (b) the PAS figures are gently released to Self or Spirit for transformation. The PAS figures are listed last.

SELECT only those ego-children that operated significantly during childhood and which still influence  your adult attitudes and outlook on life.    



Abandoned, deserted child—often caused by a family death, divorce, desertion, etc., in infancy or childhood.    [Self-reliant, but Loving]

Abused, hurt child—stemming from physical, emotional, sexual abuse.    [Caring, compassionate]

Addicted child—gets frequent solace and comfort from alcohol, drugs, food, etc.    [Steadfast counselor]

Bossy, controlling, dominating child—who "learned" that power over others was an ego-love substitute.    [Loving leader]

Clinging, insecure child—anxiety from being separated from mother/caregiver for periods of time.    [Warm caregiver]

Complaining, whining child—manipulates others by whining, grousing, nagging, fussing, etc.    [Kindly communicator]

Confused, baffled, lost child—comes from emotionally erratic, mixed-up mother/caregiver.    [Resourceful, centered]

Cry-baby child—cries easily even when mildly attacked, or when feeling hurt.    [Compassionate helper]

Day-dreamer, fantasy-maker child—loves to day-dream and imagine living fantasy lives.    [Creative communicator]

Depressed, sad child—anger and determination were crushed in this largely unloved child.    [Gentle determination]

Deprived, impoverished, scarcity child—we always seemed to be struggling to make ends meet.    [Love is abundant now]

Despairing, hope-less child—a severe case of the depressed child.     [Strong and hopeful]

Envious of others' possessions child—I always wanted to possess what others had and I still envy them.    [Shares Lovingly]

Exhibitionist, show-off child—who "learned" that being the center of attention brought adulation-love.    [Charismatic inspirer]

Fearful, anxious child—the parents/caregivers used fear-inducing punishments in infancy and childhood.    [Honors everyone]

Guilty child—was frequently told that disobedience was an unloving insult to parent/caregiver.    [Innocent, free from rules]

Impatient child—who "learned" to want and get immediate satisfactions, solutions and gratifications.    [Efficient problem-solver]

Intolerant child—impatience & mild anger; prejudiced, disapproving, rigid critical values and beliefs.    [Sees only Children of God]

Jealous child—who knows others steal ego-love from their exclusive primary ego-love-giver.    [Loves everyone unconditionally]

Lonely, isolated child—this child has not "learned" methods of establishing ego-love relationships.    [Dedicated to humanity]

Manipulating, maneuvering child—who "got what they wanted" through exploitation and "getting the better of."    [Wants best for all]]

Neglected, unheeded child—who was largely ignored by parents and siblings—a "gray sheep."    [Cares for the neglected]

"Never-good-enough" child—this child felt it could never live up to parental or teacher expectations.    [Learns Love is the Answer]

Obsessional, preoccupied child—has "learned" that if he/she keeps very "busy" the pain is held away.    [Caring perseverance]

Pain, sickness child—says, "When I am sick others pay more attention and give me more ego-love."    [Healthy Right-Mindfulness]

Perfectionist, meticulous child—"If I get it completely right, ego-praise and ego-love will come.    [I need only Free, Real Love]

Please-everybody child—says, "Only if I do as much as I can for everybody will they fill my ego-love-bucket."    [I'll heal myself first]

Prudish child—nakedness, sex, urination, defecation, breasts, swear words, etc., are dirty no-no's.    [Open-minded, unconcealed]

Rejected child—who has experienced constant put-downs, and whose ego-love approaches were all crushed.    [I am Love and give Love]

Runaway, escape-the-problem child—"When I have to face life's crises, I run away to pastures new."    [I am now a mature problem solver]

Secretive, private child—this child detaches from indifferent others, then provides his/her own sources of ego-love.    [Inner strength]

Selfish, grabby child—who has "learned" that ego-love, in many forms (e.g., stealing) can be taken when not available.    [Sharing, giving]

Shame-ridden, disgraceful child—I was always "put down," discredited, humiliated until I was curled up inside.    [Confident, Self-assured]

Shy, timid, very self-conscious child—I was bashful, diffident and demure; I disliked being a center of attention.    [Friendly, confident]

Trapped, emotionally hobbled child—who is in an emotional bind and a no-escape maze of fears and barriers.    [Free and clear]

Unfairly-treated child—who grew up in a capricious, unjust world and hated it because ego-love was unpredictable.    [Fair to all]

Unmotivated "can't-be-bothered" child—who worked hard and did his/her best but only got criticized, never praised.    [Diligent, Caring]

Victim, martyr, doormat child—says, "I know my parents loved me when they used me, abused me, punished me."    [Loving caregiver]

Wild, tempestuous child—who is disliked and feels unloved, but who gets ego-love attention by acting out wildly.    [Good risk-taker]

[Write in any others]



[They exhibit aggressive behaviors in one form or another.]

Angry-with-myself child—says, "They tell me it is all my fault, and I know they love me, so I beat up on myself."    [Conscientious]

Confrontational child—says, "They keep blaming me but they are wrong and I have to argue it out; I am right."    [Truth-lover]

Defiant, rebellious child—says, "There is no love--only rules, restrictions and punishment and I hate them all."     [Caring innovator]

Destructive child—says, "Defiance is not enough; the loveless hurt is so deep I will destroy; I enjoy revenge."    [Constructive innovator]

Dishonest, devious child—for whom parental control is so pervasive that the only recourse is to lie, cheat, etc.    [Truth is the Way]

Frustrated, impatient child—an angrier version of the "impatient child" described previously, above.    [Loving, efficient problem-solver]

Rageful, explosive child—behavior is not too bad until inner built-up anger bursts through the dam of fear.    [Dedicated, strong helper]

Stubborn child—passive-aggressive child is not allowed open anger, so non-cooperation takes its place.    [Determined, steadfast]

Sullen, sulky child—passive-aggressive child is a depressed, debilitated version of the stubborn child.    [Happy, resourceful helper]

[Write in any others]


"POSITIVE" LOVE-STARVED EGO-CHILDREN—who use the following means to fill their ego-love-buckets. Note that, in many cases, these ego-children can be transformed into very mature adult levels. (See Section G03 on Love-buckets.)

[These love-starved ego-children are usually somewhat aware of their modus operandi and exploit it.]

Ambitious, driven, fervent child—who has learned that success brings rewards and refutes nay-sayers.    [Dedicated spiritual adult]

Creative, inventive child—received incessant praise and ego-love for exhibiting these skills and qualities.    [Loving, giving creative adult]

Friendly, sociable child—who has learned very early in life how to win friends and influence people.    [Loving teacher, group leader]

Goody-good, considerate child—who knows obedience, kindness etc., bring praise and affection from elders.    [Truly kind and Loving]

Happy-go-lucky, carefree child—in whose home there were few restrictions, and laid-back ego-love abounded.    [Loves everyone]

Imaginative child—main permitted pleasure at home was a varied world of make-believe and fantasy.    [Shares creativity, e.g., artist]

Industrious and helpful child—parents praised helping and doing for others, with parent participation.    [Industrious helpfulness]

Intelligent, curious child—who was praised and ego-loved for curiosity and displays of giftedness.     [Beneficent explorer, scientist]

Leave-it-to-me, "fixit" child—was praised and ego-loved for solving practical or family problems.    [Caring problem-solver]

Playful, fun-loving child—whose parents were fun-loving; but if they weren't I'll enjoy my life anyway.    [Fun-loving teacher, helper]

Rescuer, interferer, reformer of others child—always interfering in lives of others was an ego-love substitute.    [Loving leader]

Romantic child—whose parents probably "loved" each other attentively; anyway, movies and TV sold me on romance.    [Lover of Life]

Sexual, sensual child—whose parents did not inhibit sexual feelings or knowledge in the family.    [Open sensual lover, counselor]

Tender, caring child—who was praised and ego-loved for being solicitous, kind and considerate.    [Loving, considerate care-giver]

Tomboy-girl or gentle-boy child—opposite-sex parent did not accept my emerging gender.    [Male/female wholeness]

[Write in any others]



[Underline mother and/or father in text below to indicate to which parent(s) this is applicable. Surrogate parents may be included.  Even if you were a single child, or had only one parent, underline where necessary]

Affectionless parents—my mother and/or father showed little or no affection for us kids though we were looked after in other ways.

Angry, dominating controllers—my mother and/or father were angry and controlling fairly frequently.

Busy, preoccupied, parents—my mother and/or father were too busy and preoccupied to heed us kids.

Carefree, happy-go-lucky parents—my mother and/or father were usually joking and seemingly happy.

Depressed, unhappy, morbid parents—my mother and/or father were usually depressed and joyless.

Disorganized, slovenly, untidy, parents—my mother and/or father were very disorganized in most ways.

Fearful, anxiety-ridden parents—my mother and/or father were fearful so I became fearful too.

High achievement controllers—my mother and/or father expected us to be high achievers and very successful.

Judgmental condemning parents— my mother and/or father were always highly critical and condemning us.

Neglectful, irresponsible controllers—my mother and/or father mostly seriously neglected their children.

Organized, super-tidy controllers—my mother and/or father were very neatly organized in most ways.

Overprotective, shielding parents—my mother and/or father saw many things as dangerous or a threat to us kids.

Physically abusive controllers—my mother and/or father spanked us and hit us fairly often during childhood.

Sexually abusive parent/and "blind-eye" parent—my mother and/or father abused me sexually; the other did not protect me.

Shaming, humiliating guilt-makers— my mother and/or father made us feel great shame; they demeaned us kids.

Smothering inner controllers—my mother and/or father tended to smother me with excessive attention.

Torturers, cruel parents— my mother and/or father were cruel and caused us deep pain in childhood.

Unpredictable, mercurial parents—my mother and/or father were mostly emotionally unpredictable.

Yelling, verbally abusive controllers—my mother and/or father shouted and yelled at their kids a lot.

[Write in any others]

NOTE: These parents of your childhood are all in the past (even though they may still be alive) and, even though they may still compose a bothersome inner Parental Authority System in you, they only exist in memory now--so you can dissolve them through forgiveness and by realizing they were of a previous, ignorant generation who "knew not what they did." If we can not forgive our parents their "sins against us," no more can they forgive their parents who caused them to be the way they were--and so on and on back to the cavemen days. The Awakening of the human race depends on stopping the "sins of the fathers being passed on to their children" right here, right now, through forgiveness.


Loving Oneness Now -- Copyright © 2007 Alexander Bannatyne, PhD

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